A letter from April 14th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, This is 2020 Valerie. We are quarantined due to a global pandemic. People are dying, the government doesn’t care, per usual, and I wish I could be scared but right now I’m just numb. Terrifying events that kill lots of people are normal to me now. Some people are appalled the government is letting people die and I just have to laugh at them, otherwise I might cry. The poor, disabled, queer, and colored laugh with me. This is 2020 Valerie. I’m scared for my mother. She is immunocompromised and a nurse, constantly being exposed to COVID. She tells me they are careful, but I still worry. My fear only increases when she comes home and tells us these people have the worst lungs she has ever seen, even in people who aren’t that bad. “Like broken glass.” she says. I feel a shiver run down my spine. This is 2020 Valerie. I’m struggling with staying positive when I know nothing will ever be the same again. It’s hard to stay positive when we are all starting to get sick of each other. It’s hard to stay positive when I can see myself slipping into bad habits, sleeping 15 hours, eating nothing but junk, never exercising and bottling up my emotions. My chest gets tighter and my showers get hotter and I spend too much time looking in the mirror because I don’t have anything else to do. This is 2020 Valerie I miss my friends. I miss the feeling of sun on my skin. I miss casual contact, brushing hands while walking, leaning your head on someone’s shoulder. I miss being able to tell who is hugging me from behind because they all feel different. I miss being able to put a flower in my best friend's hair. I miss asking my friend to borrow a pencil and they pull one out from behind my ear with a laugh, even if I do look sheepish after. This is 2020 Valerie My goals for this year used to be, drink more water, go outside more and socialize more. Now my goals are to drink water and survive a global pandemic. I won’t let this be the end of my story, not after I worked so hard to get here and things were finally starting to look up. That is why I know you will read this letter. That is why I hope you will read this letter, at least. Sincerely, 2020 Valerie.