Hello from your past.

Dear FutureMe, You should be getting this on your 50th birthday, if I did our math right - we never were good at math. Remember how sad you were about forty? Remember the night terrors and being that achy sadness all the time (gee I hope that stops soon) Well now your fifty and I bet you feel really stupid about being so upset about forty. It's like when we were in school and spent all of 6th grade wishing we were back in 5th and never enjoyed 6th....same with 7th wishing we were back in 6th....and on and on. You always have had a habit of wishing for the past, being scared of the future and not enjoying now......STOP IT!!!!!! Enjoy being 50. It's not so bad really...is it? Your thinner than you were at 40, at least you better be. If your not you could have been. So get on that. And hey at least there isn't a baby screaming and kids fighting as you read, cause there sure is while I'm writing. Oh who am I kidding there probably is, hell the twins are only 10 now, Timmy, Cassie and Luis are 13. At least I hope they are, the twins are sick now. Wouldn't that suck if they didn't make it, now I would have gone and made you cry thinking about them. Now I'm afraid to ask you anything.....oh my god what if Steve isn't here anymore. I suppose me bringing him up couldn't make it any worse than it already is. I can't even imagine how you must feel if he's not there. If he is you better go give him a big kiss right now!!! I hope your here to read this. I hope you and the family made it to Tennessee, and I hope you found what you were looking for there. Now I'm thinking this is really dumb. What could 40 year old me possibly have to say to 50 year old me. I'm sure 50 year old me would have plenty to say to 40 year old me. I wish you could do that.....now THAT would be good. What can I tell you that you don't know? Hmmm..maybe that's it though. Maybe somehow you are telling me now. I'm telling you feel good about 50, to stop looking back, stop being scared - enjoy today, to do something about your weight if makes you so fucking sad. But you know really, your telling me the same thing (as I sit here crying eating doritoes) No you can't tell me what's going to happen to Steph or Sierra or Jared or Steve, you can't tell me anything about any of them but you can tell me to take care of my people because they might not be here in 10 years. You can tell me buck up and enjoy the moments because the big things are gonna happen no matter what, and being so scared about it only takes all the joy out of life. I hope I can figure out how to that, because I'm having a real hard time right now. I do see I'm the only one who has the power to make life good for you, my 50 year old self. I hope I didn't let you down. If I did don't hate me to much, I did the best I could, I really did. I pass it on to you now. It's up to you to make things right for the 60 year old us....(and you know she wants to hit the road with Steve in a Winnebago and never look back. You better start saving cause she's gonna be pissed if you don't get it for her. LOL) Now stop crying... oh cause I know you are....big sap...and go do something for your birthday, I bet the family will be here soon. Have a blast, and have a drink to me. ME