A letter from Jul 18, 2023

Dear FutureMe, 25, wow really cool that I’ve made it this far. It’s July 18th, 2023 today. A day after my 24th birthday and I’m very grateful for the life I have and how far I’ve come. I can truly feel myself becoming more aware of the type of person I am becoming and shift the things that don’t help me to become a better version of myself. Compared to last year I was so incredibly lost and I was trying so hard to feel the loneliness in me by distracting myself with random people. In the end it only made me feel worse and I committed so many stupid mistakes that I know feel like I can control and navigate better when facing certain emotions. Ever since me and him ending things at first it felt like a bullet to the heart. I was constantly trying to catch my breathe and something in me just felt so debilitated and exhausted. Like the life out of me was stolen. I knew I had made the right decision but yet, it felt so wrong. I spent so many days and night with my thumbs hovering above my phone screen typing and deleting messages I wanted to send to him. Until 4 months after I did. I wanted to see how he was doing but of course he brushed me off. I was hurt but I understood. The memory of me probably hurts him just as much or maybe he just doesn’t care anymore and wants to move on. And I can’t be mad at him for wanting that. He told me he wanted to stay friends and that I could reach out whenever but he probably said it without meaning it. I guess it was his way of saying goodbye trying to instill some type of hope of reconciliation. I was so angry a few months after that cold interaction and I was allowed to be, he’s always been unreliable and selfish. Especially towards me because he knew I would forgive him every.single.time. And he was right, because on his birthday I messaged him wishing him well and all and he thanked me but that was all. Okay that’s right I thought to myself. I was glad he was doing good and I still did miss him but I didn’t pry or bother to keep the conversation going. It’s been a months since that interaction and a part of me was hoping yesterday that he would have messaged me like he had last year for the first time since I’ve known him without anyone reminding him. Pathetic I’m aware but he’s just always had an impact on me and I’d be lying if I said a message from him even today wouldn’t stir up emotions. I think the difference now is regardless I would never go back to commit the same mistake I did all these years. I’d like to believe that my self respect has been grounded. It’s okay though, regardless it’s felt like weight off my shoulders since it all ended. The more time passes and the more that I come to terms with that our relationship will never be emended the more I can start to truly heal. I don’t want no distractions or meaningless *** I just want peace and to surround myself with people with genuine intentions. After all this I will always wish him the best, and I’m sure I’ll have days where I grieve the memory of him and our time together and maybe other days I’ll get angry at the thought of certain memories and behaviors but I know at the end of it all it was all just an experience that happen and went. What once felt like the end of the world to me now feels like a scabbed wound. I can see it trying heal and I know that if I keep trying to poke it out of curiosity that I’ll only reopen it. And I really don’t wanna feel that awful pain again. Because god did I cry. I cried and cried, I would sit in my car and sob for hours suffocating at the thought of it all. After a while I knew I couldn’t keep living like that, I needed to get on with my life because I was sure that I had crossed his mind 0 times since then. He was fine, it might have hurt him the first day after but I’m sure since then he probably prays that I stop reaching out. So I’ve stopped. I’m done reaching out and I’m letting it all go. Even today as write this, it’s still not an easy thought to process but I truly can not do anything about it and honestly I don’t want to spend anymore time trying to. I just want to move on. Writing things down or recording myself does help me process it a bit more. I know Ive talked a lot about him in the past but that’s because he was a big part of my adolescent/young adult life. The time that everyone begin to hit you, all the harsh realizations of human relationships and real world problems that you begin to face. After HS I felt emotionally vulnerable to the extreme, unaware of how bad my daddy issues were and how to deal with certain knew emotions. It was the first time I had truly loved a guy. It was all so new to me that I was on such an adrenaline rush of new experienced emotions that I didn’t want it to end, even if it meant that I’d hurt myself over it. I wanted male validation so much I began seeking out makes way older than me who used me because I didn’t know better. I just knew I wanted to not feel lonely to be “protected”. A lot that I look back at now that it just crushes me to see how self destructive I was. Blinded by the hope that one of these days then guys would take me seriously, thinking for so long that I was not good enough but in reality they were just not emotionally intelligent or mature. All of them had they’re own issue, mommy issues more than half the time and I understand that now but it doesn’t make it okay. There’s just so many layers to it and I’m now more aware that most people tend to project their insecurities onto other through action or words. Filled with empty promises or mind games. I don’t like to waste my time on any of that anymore and I also don’t let it revolve around my life as much as I use to, at least I’m trying not to. It doesn’t mean I’m a saint who knows all of right and wrong or that I’ve been enlightened because no, not at all. There’s so much that I’m sure I’m not aware of yet. All I can do is try my best to learn from experience and keep moving on. It’s all I can do. It’s weird because if I’m being fully transparent a part of me hoped that maybe one day when I’m way older and he barley or if anything ever crosses my mind that one day we’ll reconcile and catch up as a form of amending in order to keep moving forward. My heart still does bleed at the thought of it all, just now my eyes are filled with tears and the air in my lungs caught in my throat. This indescribable feeling in my chest that just wants to run to him again. I think forever until my eyes have been shut closed and I’m buried 6 feet underground that I’ll always get the knot within my chest at the thought of him. My first love. Having to take deep and slow breathes to collect myself right now. I’ll be okay. It’s just still very hard but I’ll be alright. I hope by the time this letter reaches me again I can with a clearer mind say that it’s gotten even just a tiny bit easier. I hope I’m mentally a bit more stable and that my worries now won’t be so prominent by the age of 25. I still can’t believe I’m 24 now as I type this. But anyways. I still have a lot of things I’d like to accomplish and to work on. I want to create more connections not just in a business sense but in a more humane and personal level. I feel more fulfilled when I meet and get to know people. Kind of like when your a kid in kindergarten and you ramble to anyone willing to listen that you had just made a new friend at school. Yeah that feeling, the excitement of connecting and enjoying someone else’s company. As much as I do enjoy being alone I feel much more happier when I can share moments with others. Although I don’t express it as much since I’m more reserved I do like talking to people even when my social battery does run out I do still enjoy it if that makes sense. It just depends if the connection is being reciprocated too. Anyways this has gotten so long, I have class later today. Happy birthday to me :) 🖤