A letter from December 25th, 2012

Dear FutureMe, Yo, why are you still using this email, its been like nine years. God, 2017 really seems like the future, a little more than 2012 at least. How are you? I'm ok. That's a lie. I'm not ok. I am lazy and unmotivated. I push away those who love me and can't even hold a conversation with the people who I want to like me. I think that I'm so afraid of failure that I don't even want to try. I repress my anger to everyone and everything (which is probably mostly teenage angst, but whatever). I hate myself. I like to watch crappy art movies on netflix (does that still exist?) and listen to music about the marijuana (even though I don"t smoke). Oh damn, I just realized that you're 21 now! congratulations. I hope that you had fun on our birthday (reppin' the 26th of september) with your legal alcohol and possibly legal pot. Do you live in a state with that, do you live in Washington. Back to me. I like video games (borderlands 2) but I enjoy the culture that surrounds them more than the games themselves. I have basically stopped reading books, remember how happy that used to make us. But we abandoned them with the rest of america as soon as we could get our hands on a computer. In face, right now I am sitting in that cum-stained old red chair that sits (sat?) in the corner to the living room of mom and dads house. Do they still live there? I really enjoy driving, or did until I crashed into a car on east mercer and 36th. I haven't driven since then. I'm going to meet with grandpa (david) for breakfast tomorrow, which will be nice. Politically I lean slightly to the right not (libertarian, not conservative) but I know that at heart I am a liberal. And thats another thing that I don't like about myself. I always second guess myself. I can't say or do anything without all of my inner voices telling me how I could have done better. Actually they just tell me what I did wrong and that it should be changed, without ever giving me a simple answer of how I could improve myself. What else can I tell you? I wish I knew what you wanted to know because I would tell you. So how about you, huh? How are you doing? I hope that you're doing well. How's college? Funny, I still spell college with a d in front of the g every time that I write the word. Are you in college? If not, what the hell are you doing? (I think that I overuse commas) Do you still bite your nails, I have managed to stop on the large part, which is nice but hasn't really helped improve my life at all. my schoolwork isn't overwhelming but I ignore it anyways, perhaps acting out some rebellious or intentionally self-destructive urge. Do you do your homework well and on time? What do you want to be? Tell me, because I don't know yet and that kind of scares me. What do you want to do with your life? are you doing it? I wish that I could prescribe to that philosophy right now, but I think that I am too young and it would only end in me living on the streets, selling my body to Mexicans for a dime. But I want us to be interesting. More than anything else I want to have a life so full of adventure that my biographer will run out of nouns before he can describe what I did and runs out of verbs before he can describe how I did it. Do you like your body now? Have you come to terms with it or did you somehow, through an impressive effort of what must have been pure will changed the shape of it. That is another thing that I do, I am intensely afraid of seeming vulnerable or stupid and so I recede into myself and chose the road more traveled by. I find myself doing the same things every day, eating the same foods, talking to the same people, visiting the same websites and making the same jokes. I hate it but I can't break out of the cycle. But I hope for the future, when my present life seems like crap I am utterly certain that you will be better. Please live up to my hopes. A very merry Christmas, Jay Daniel Rosenstein (16)