A letter from December 27th, 2016

Dear FutureMe, I'm scared by how much my relationship with my dad defines my relationship with people. Every time I catch myself feeling something for him, that is hate or annoyance. He's never capable of making me feel genuinly happy I either feel like I have to force a laugh around him or I just feel awkward. And I HATE IT he is a mistake I'd like to erase from my history. I hate how he is sexist and demanding with my mother. How she is entirely submissive to him. I'm disgusted. I hate the fact that he is the reference life gave me to solving problems or trusting people or generally dealing with life. He has brought so many bad feelings inside me it's practically unbearable. He has ruined all the nights of sleep I've ever had after interacting in any significant way with him. His intentions aren't bad. His manners are the worse. He keeps cursing my future. He says I will miserably fail to become a good wife to John or a good mother. He constantly keeps reminding me of how John will eventually get tired of dealing with me and will find another wife. As if the woman has the entire responsibility in a marriage. I honestly do not know or understand how my mom keeps up with him. I hate him so much I could hold a 19 hour long speech on how much I hate him. I hate the fact that he is the person who has the power of making me feel such bad things. I hate it that he has influenced me in so many way. To him I owe my anxiety and all the trubles that came with it. I strongly loathe the vision of the world that he has put in my head. I wanna run away far far away.. I wanna run against the wind until it rushes against my body, fast enough to make any traces of him disappear from me. And as an evil profecy his words are starting to come true. My connection with John isn't the same anymore. I don't feel as happy and neither does he. We're slowly falling apart but intensely trying to stay together. It's sad and tiring. Smiles have often been fake and his patience with me practically inexistent. Dear dad, I hate the fact that I hate you. To be honest I hate that you could have had my love but during 19 years chose to awaken my anger.