A letter from April 1st, 2015

Dear Future Me, It seems for the past year I have been through numerous and recurrent bouts of extreme loneliness. I have no idea why it has been happening so frequently these days. Why now, of all times? The feelings come and go with even the most minute triggers and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to stop the feelings except wait for it to subside until it comes again. This year you will be turning 26 and it makes me even more lonely thinking of the future. I think I have always had the dreams I now have. My dreams have always included having a successful career. Being such a successful woman that everything I had experienced in the past would be but a vague memory. In fact, I think it was on top of the list even when I was a little girl. Recently though, I have realized that my dream to have a successful career was only second. I realized I wanted to fall in love. It makes me sad to think that the nearest I have been to my dream is being infatuated with a boy from my class in high school. I thought I was in love but I was not. Definitely not. Now that I have been able to think about it thoroughly, I could not define those feelings as love. I was only in love with the idea of who he was. I wrote poems and stories about him, I composed songs for him, and even my dreams and fantasies would be about him. I'm sorry for bringing up such a boring topic. What about you, though? How have you been? I have been wanting to write this letter for so long now. It is just that fear keeps holding me back. Fear kept me from writing this letter. Reading this now, have I only saddened you? Have I depressed you? Or have I only made you laugh with these thoughts? I fear that I will never find the person with whom I could fall in love. I have always made fun of people in love but in all honesty I want to fall in love. I want to love someone so intensely that it will make me question why I had ever thought so badly of love at all. And I want to marry that person. And I want to make him happy. Is this dream so shallow? Have you found someone? I hope you have. But despite this desire, I hope you never forget what we have always stood by. I would rather be lonely than be with the wrong person. I hope, if you have found someone, he is the one we have always dreamed of. I hope he is someone to whom we could sing "Once Upon A Dream". I hope he is someone with whom we could dance "Eyes On Me". I hope he is someone who crosses your mind and occupies it all day when you hear your favorite love songs and I also hope he makes you feel like a character from your favorite romances. I'm afraid. So afraid, Angel. This year I find myself often looking up at the sky. I seem to spend most of my idle time looking up at clouds passing by, glowing moons, and shivering stars. I cannot stop thinking that perhaps the one for me is looking up at them too. I will stop here for the time being. I wonder what has become of me in the year 2021? I hope you are well. I hope you are happy. Sincerely,