Time Travelled — almost 5 years

1 Your Descent into Madness: August 2014-February 2016

Feb 12, 2016 Feb 11, 2021

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It's 5:31 in the morning. No, I'm not up early for school. I'm still awake because yesterday I smoked a lot of crystal meth. ...I didn't think that would be shocking to read after I typed it. After all, at this point in my life I'm an avid drug user. At 19 years old I have tried 20 different drugs (just added meth and oxycodone to the list just this month) and, I'm an alcoholic. It was terrifying at first, getting into drugs. I was very "good" before. I was afraid of drugs and I didn't associate with people who do them. But I guess I was more afraid of being an outcast. I met Matt in August 2014 at work and went on a mission to make him mine by any means necessary, so when he told me he smoked weed my instincts told me he was bad news but I fought through it. When I finally got his attention after months of flirting, I put everything I believed aside and I tried it. It's a basic necessity now. After what may have been months of having a conscious in turmoil, something changed. It had to do with losing the guy I foolishly thought I would marry for good and instead committing myself to Matt. If I ever left the house outside of work or school it was to see him, often at Roya's house where a lot of people lived and everybody from work came to hang out and mostly smoke. Eventually I got comfortable with weed, and suddenly it made sense why I was so good at taking tests about drugs- they completely fascinate me. I started reading about any and every drug and haven't stopped. At some point in April or May 2015, I got a really bad cold. I innocently took extra Sudafed and Dayquil. And I got high. I was pretty loopy and had couldn't sit still. So the next day, we went out and I bought a bottle of Delsym cough syrup which gave a very different high. Thus began my obsession with DXM. After many shifts I'd go to Meijer first to see if they had cough gels. If not I bought Robitussin until my preferred brand was generic Waltussin from Walgreen's. Still nasty just way less. I still check every store I know sells it habitually. I liked it because it was the farthest from myself I'd ever gotten. I was there, but I wasn't. I liked walking around the neighborhood with Trading Yesterday blasting in my ears or listening to the birds in the trees. Flailing my arms gave a different feeling than usual. When Matt was over there was a Beetles album on and I was sure they were talking to me. I had a lot of weird semi-fun trips like that until May 19th when we went for a walk outside at night. I was skipping pretending to be in space. I thought if I closed my eyes I might see starts. Instead I ran face first into a road sign which left a nasty gash in my forehead and blood all down my face and chest. Matt had to lead me back and clean me up. Don't worry, I didn't feel any pain. Still have a scar though. By July, the fun of cough syrup was wearing off (still messed with it after injury), and I wanted to try something else. A website on legal drugs led me to try whippets (love) and Hawaiian Baby Woodrose seeds (still have almost all so not good). The seeds made us nauseous, him cramp, me feel great and then panic thinking the Pepto Bismol I purged was from me bleeding internally. And that Matt was going to kill me. Not much else was going on drug wise besides weed. I was still pretty much sane at this point aside from my bulimia being bad (spent $800 on binge food in June). Then began my first addiction. I learned about research chemicals, which are just copycat/designer drugs. I chose etizolam (we call them whites) for its rave reviews and cheapness and bought them off a site which poses as a pool and cosmetic chemical lab. I thought a sedative wouldn't be fun at all. But I was so wrong. I took it before a shift and suddenly, all my problems were solved. While working full time I had been struggling with anxiety and frustration at work (called into the office twice in one week for attitude) but it was all washed away. I was happy and carefree and my managers liked that. One of my last robotrips left me with a bad DXM hangover and I took a benzo which ended up curing it. Cool, if I knew that months ago.

henrique wickboldt gabiatti:

about 1 month ago

Eu espero que atualmente você esteja bem!

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