A letter from June 2nd, 2016

Dear Future Me, It's well over four years since you heard those completely unexpected, devastating words, "I don't love you anymore and I think I want a divorce". You still remember the feeling of your heart breaking when Mark walked out the door never to return. It was at that gasping for breath, heart-clutching moment, you realized that "heartache" was a real, physical condition and not just a metaphor. For a time you simply survived and went through the motions of cleaning up after a separation and then a divorce. You packed up your stuff, his stuff and the left over kid's stuff and made some deliveries. You moved into your own little home where on that first night, surrounded by boxes, you cried yourself to sleep. Then, a day later with your few possessions tucked into 700 sq ft, you celebrated just a little. You were starting over. Life wasn't turning out the way you expected, but you were brave and stronger than you ever imagined and for the first time in a very long time, you felt hopeful! You forgave Mark, sought counseling, revisited God, prayed, read books, wrote in your journal and took a long look at yourself and your life up to that point. You made changes and were hard on yourself for awhile. You said, "Of course I understand why he left. I was boring and no longer attractive". You tried new hobbies, exercised, meditated, sought adventures and continued the hard work of self improvement. Eventually you softened and said, "You are attractive just the way you are. You certainly could have invested more time in yourself back then, but that was no reason to quit a marriage". You continued the hard work of self improvement, but at a more leisurely pace. It seemed as though you were looking back less at the past and not nearly as consumed by the unknown future. You started volunteering with a cause that really touched your heart and realized you didn't have it half bad. While gathering with family and friends you realized that laughter was truly the best medicine. Creativity blossomed and lovely art work found its way into being. Somewhere during this time, you learned to be kind to yourself and forgiving and that last little pain deep, deep in your heart stopped aching (most of the time). One day while looking in the mirror, you were surprised to realize what a beautiful woman you had become on the outside and inside. You said, "I would have never thought that one day I could say with all honesty that I am thankful for my husband's abandonment, but I am". You realized your life was richer and fuller than you could ever have imagined four years ago. Now we come to a new year, as year number five will take place in 2017. Your whole life is ahead of you and it is what you make of it. Make it amazing! Continue good habits of exercise, eating healthy and meditating. Follow your dreams of being an artist and a writer. Be adventurous and explore. Meet new people. Stay in touch with family and friends that support you. Go on dates and learn to trust other men. Above all else trust in God and believe that he has a plan and know he loves you. Be grateful! Shine! Love, Me