"Life's messy. It kicks you the ass."

Dear FutureMe, It's Friday night and you were told your job in Contracts and Commissioning is ending a month earlier than scheduled today. You accepted it with grace, compassion and understanding (mostly), with a pinch of resentment and anger at both the state of local and national government, and the hits you are personally taking at the moment. You sometimes feel as though it's just one thing after another. The days are passing by so quickly, but the weekends go even faster. With yoga and football, your weekends are full up and Monday comes round again. The one overarching emotion you are really feeling of late is flat. You are dealing with a lot of stuff; more than enough for one human. But you are intent on feeling it all, even though you sometimes question whether or not some sort of medication would be useful to you. You've been in therapy for approximately four months. You and Janet broke up in February and you're still very much struggling with that loss. You feel like a failure for not achieving a distinction in your MA. You’re having a lot of difficulty with a lot of things at the moment, but one overarching regret is that of your perceived failure in Nottingham. You look back on the experience with a deep sense of regret and disappointment. Imposter syndrome, chaotic anxiety, and not feeling good enough or part of Nottingham’s academic community overshadows your time there. This might be one of the most difficult things for you to come to terms with, because you’ve always excelled academically and here, you really feel like you failed at something. You don’t know what to do with these feelings but at the same time, even if you have failed—doesn’t everyone at some point? Isn’t it all part of the human experience? Fozia is great, but sometimes you wish she'd talk a little more; ask you a few more questions to provoke discussion. But it's supposed to be about YOU which we all know is something that doesn't come easy to you. Always putting others before yourself and all. You're talking about a whole range of things. Some you'd never thought you'd never talk about, especially not to a total stranger. You haven't really cried, but you have talked about some immensely difficult things. Your relationship with your mum has been a big talking point, in and out of therapy. It seems she's not the only mother who possesses an inability to connect with their daughter/child. You've realised--albeit an extraordinarily painful experience--that you will never have the relationship you want with her, because she doesn't have the want (?) or capacity for it. You feel as though you've missed out on a lot of emotional milestones because of this deficit, and haven't yet fully reconciled your childhood experiences. Speaking of childhood experiences, you opened up to Fozia about sexual abuse (you're not sure how to categorise or describe it) perpetrated by *. (You just used passive voice!) In the past fortnight, you've realised that it's had a more profound impact on you than you'd ever acknowledged, and you're not too sure where to go with it. You feel disgusted. Uncomfortable. Ashamed. It's an experience that exists within your life, and as one that might have to be shared as part of intimate relationships with other people. This experience has been truly horrifying for you. There is currently no way of understanding its impact. You have a distinct lack of self-belief, self-worth, and self-confidence, but you have a tendency to act like all is okay so as not to attract unwanted attention. You're a solitary creature. You are experiencing a lot of sadness and distress at the moment and, although you know it is both important to feel these emotions as they arise and acknowledge that they are temporary, you have a lot of anxiety around whether it will always be like this and how you're going to develop a better and more positive sense of yourself. It was Janet who (sort of) catalysed this want to do better. With her extensive emotional intelligence and her ability to make you feel like the most incredible human in the universe. You wonder if you'll ever get over her. You're not sure you will. You'd do a lot for her to pull you close and make you feel safe at the moment, but you know it isn't possible and you know why. But you crave her and you crave love. BUT (mark two), you are conscious that she is already moving on because she went out with that guy from her high school reunion and that absolutely did not sit well with you; so much so that you actually cried in the knowledge. Nevertheless, a lot of things make you think of her. You're reading a lot of philosophical fiction about love and are alive to the possibility that you may never get to experience her again, which is terrifying, but also a reality. Something you've discovered in this process is that it's impossible to love another person more than you love yourself. Remember when you thought you loved Janet more than yourself, and now you see how problematic that is? It seems you are making strides even when you feel like you are standing in the static watching the world pass you by. Even in the difficulty of loneliness, you love yourself enough on a strong enough level to be alone in these deep, dark places, even when it feels like all you really want is someone to love you, to make love to you, to cuddle up with at night and wake up with in the morning. You have to be patient. You must be courageous. Understand that vulnerability is strength. I implore you to love yourself. Explore the things that make you happy. Take photographs. Read books. Write letters. Watch your favourite shows. Be unapologetically you. Do not be afraid. You ARE good enough. You are extraordinary. You are worthy of love and belonging. FEEL. Do not underestimate the power of negative emotions. Of heartbreak. Of sadness. Of anger. But use them as tools of understanding and exploration and empowerment. You are loved. You know you must grow. You know you must learn to love yourself. You must understand the ways in which your early experiences have affected your current state. Be compassionate. Display understanding. Admire your achievements. You are extraordinary. You are courageous. You are so strong. “You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”