A letter from December 3rd, 2017

Dear FutureMe, I don't know what the hell you're doing, but if you don't have the Internet to read this email then that probably means you flopped like I thought you would. If you do see this, congratulations. I'm hanging onto the small string of hope that things turn out well for you because you honestly deserve it... for all that you go through. Honestly, I don't know how to be nice to myself, but thinking of you - FutureMe - as a separate person, it's easier to not be so hard on myself. You're a perfectionist and I suppose that even now... or then, I don't know... you're still a perfectionist. However, I'm here to tell you to stop worrying so much. Easier said than done, I would know, BUT things will turn out the way they were meant to be. I hope that you've tried hard enough to where you feel that a burden is not your fault, as I do now. Perhaps you've forgotten all the stress and anxiety I'm under. With grades, SAT/ACT scores, future career thoughts, and college choices weighing on top of all my current worries, you must know how I feel. Let me remind you of the torment you faced 11th grade dealing with your body. Skinny while the look of 2017 is thick and healthy. I've always dealt with body image issues but now the stress seems to pile on me like never before and I feel unworthy of many things. Really embarrassing things like boys. I don't feel pretty at all. I keep imagining that in the future, my body has glo'ed up and I've suddenly become the hot shit.......... Please tell me that's true. I hope that I fall in love and someone falls in love with me too, but the more I think about it, the more silly and useless it seems. I feel like love is a passion worth living for, but I also feel incapable of it. I'm too ugly and my personality is shite, let's be honest here. When I watch videos of myself, I cringe because I'm so goofy. They say you have to learn to love yourself first, but to me the idea of that is impossible and it makes no sense. It even gives me terrible feelings of dissociation. I can't even hope that you, FutureMe, have learned to love yourself because I think it unrealistic... it's too strange. I just realized how terrible this letter will be for me if I do end up flopping, would if it's like the final trigger for suicide... oh my god... Anyways, I just feel incapable of many things, if not most things and maybe that's why I spend the majority of my time doing nothing. Maybe that's why I leave everything to the last minute and let the stress of it all motivate me to even do it. Maybe that's why I have no mercy for myself when it all comes back down to it... Everything feels like a blur. Sometimes I can't comprehend my own situation. Sometimes I wonder if I'm blowing everything out of proportion because that seems to be what I do best. I don't even know who I am or what I want in this life. How can they throw me into a pit of fire without the proper equipment??? I'm too immature! I think maybe I just used this letter as a ways to rant about all my current struggles, but I hope you remember them when you're doing better in the future. I can see myself in San Francisco, studying to be a nurse. Really, I think I'd be a good nurse if I got over my self-doubt. I think YOU'RE going to be a GREAT nurse and I HOPE that with everything on your mind, you feel hope pushing you towards the final go. As of now, I'm holding onto hope by the fingertips but I'm going to try really hard to make sure I'm holding on by the hand so that YOU can live a better life for yourself with a better mentality than I am now. I have not forgotten the struggles of the past and a part of me is really grateful that I've managed to even come this far... thinking that two years ago I imagined myself nowhere. Now, I imagine myself somewhere. Dear FutureMe, I just want to motivate you to continue trying hard - for YOU! Live your life for you! Just like jstlbby on Instagram said, "This is my life. I'm living my life for ME!" You do that. - Annika, December 3rd, 2017.