A letter from January 18th, 2018

Dear Future self, Today you turn 20 years old. It's crazy to think that I'll even be that old, that I'm growing up, that I'll be an adult. As you might remember, these last 2, 3 years of my life have been intense in terms of self-actualization. (Bringing Maslow's hierarchy of needs back) Basic needs on the second to last section states you need safety and freedom from fear to continue up the pyramid. For a long time now, I have a lot of trouble feeling free from fear, ignoring the fact that I can die anytime and any moment. This fact/thought has always troubled me. I don't want to die, I've never wanted to die. That tends to be a common theme for a lot of humans, but this sometimes takes over my life, dictates it, stops me from living. I'm in the subway and in the back of my mind I'm scared someone might attack me. I'm at home alone and I'm paranoid I'll have a stroke, or choke, and no one will be around to help me. I'm scared shitless every time I have to take an airplane. I don't want to feel this way, I hope I don't feel like this at age 20, I hope I've learned to let the fear go. I'm already starting too, I'm definitely doing better than a year ago, hope it keeps getting better. Hope I learn to live.