A letter from April 19th, 2018

Paige, Right now I'm sitting on a queen bed, white sheets covered in cat fur surrounded by half painted walls next to a fridge that has a tv balancing on top. There's a mixing bowl filled with the remains of chickpeas that I couldn't finish eating because it became to hard to scoop up with a tablespoon (all the other utensils were dirty) on the kitchen counter. My hair is soaking wet, brushed back and unparted, even though I know that's going to make my curls unruly when I wake up. There's make up smeared under my eyes because I was reluctant to take the time to wipe it off when I got out of the shower. My life looks like a mess...and that's okay. Tomorrow I go skydiving and there's a thought in my mind that I might tragically die. It's slim, I know but hey, my luck can only last so long, right? But truly, my anxiety has my heart beating slightly faster than average and my stomach aches a little. It's not all because of the skydiving, that I know. It's because of life. It's because I'm an anxious person and I carry a problem on my back. That too is okay. And it's okay because I know that it isn't a forever thing. It isn't something that gets to define me and my life. I know that one day when someone looks at me weird when I pass them on the street really isn't that big of a deal and that there isn't a conspiracy that I'm some how a part of. When you deal with something like anxiety it creeps into every aspect of your life. A friend replies with "K" and you begin to wonder where you went wrong. You calculate your steps and try to accept that you aren't going to have them in your life anymore. If you ruin that friendship you'll probably ruin all your other friendships too so you might as well cut them all off and just be alone. Am I the only one getting reminded of the Direct TV commercials? Anxiety is more than a condition that gives you the jitters before you get on stage for a performance--it impairs your daily life. It strikes when it wants to and it doesn't leave when you ask. It's a process that I live with each day. Some don't understand and others claim they can relate and maybe they can, I don't know but there's moments in my flashes of red where my head spins so fast and so hard that I can't possibly imagine anyone going through this type of confusion, pain and anger. When my boyfriend forgets to reply back to my message or our plans get cancelled I start to panic. I can feel my chest clenching up. Before we started to see each other we had a long cconversation about relationships and trust. We were talking in detail about a friend of his. This girl was in a relationship where both her and her partner would go out a sleep with other people behind each other's backs, yet they stayed together. My boyfriend and I talked about how when people begin to cheat is the time when the relationship needs to come to an end. When one person begins to be unhappy they need to breakup with their partner. So in saying that I know that he is not cheating and I know that if I start to have serious doubts about him being faithful I need to end what we have. I know he hasn't given me any reason not to trust him but my anxiety doesn't sing the same song. My anxiety tells me that when a girl texts him when we're together and I see that it says "hey are you coming to work tomorrow?" that it truly means "hey, are you coming to work tomorrow because I can't wait to see you, sexy ;)". In a metaphoric way this is not me jumping to conclusions but jumping of a cliff into paranoia. His coworker wanted to see if he was the manager on duty tomorrow, she was not trying to come onto him or ruin my relationship. My rational side knows this. I know that I am lucky to be with the man that I am with. But there are multiple times throughout the day where I have to remind myself of that. I have to apologize for my sulky behavior and weird commentary. He is good, he stands by me when I blow up when our plans fall through and my reluctance to talk to him after he hasn't replied to my message for a few hours. I want you to know that me telling you this is a HUGE step. I'm putting my condition into words and I'm able to rationalize things. I'm making an effort to be me, strong, stubborn Paige that takes on any challenge given to her. Not Paige that pushes herself into a corner and hides when voices start feeding me doubts about my self worth. Every day is a new struggle. Some days are shittier than others. Some days I'll breakdown over a radio commercial. It's okay. Even when your anxiety is right, even if the guy on the street was giving you a nasty look becasue you forgot to wear a bra that day, it's okay, Paige. There's a future after the problem. There's a future after pain and loss. There's somethings you can't escape or avoid, nor should you. Be brave. Jump out of the plane and know that whatever happens next it's going to be okay. P